the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
