i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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