I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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