you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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