Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
