she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
