my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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