my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
