Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
