I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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