every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
