I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
