Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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