Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
