I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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