I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
