I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Who died my cat blue again?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
