My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
