dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
