I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
