Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
