Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
