There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
