Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
