I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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