I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
