if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
im six kinds of drunk right now
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
