I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
