Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
