Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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