The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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