and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
