I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
