just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
