just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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