im six kinds of drunk right now
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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