I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
