Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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