So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
