when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
