I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
