Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
