Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
