Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
