Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
