Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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