I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
