So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
