After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
