when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
