i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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