Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
